I have abandoned projects.....but never my children
I have neglected things......this blog, my housework, my self.
I am hurt.......I'm struggling.......I'm surviving.
I am here in my room trying to finish a neglected project. Why have I neglected this one for a multitude of reasons. It is clothes my kids have outgrown. Clothes I wanted to save or feel compelled to save. When Linnea was a baby I saved EVERYTHING!! We hoped for more children. She was the first little girl on Thomas' side of the family. We were all over the moon to have a healthy little baby in our arms. Ms. Monte (Thomas' mom) was happy to hit the clearance racks for cute pink, colorful outfits, especially after 5 grandsons! We had the largest Rubbermaid we could find, we nicknamed them " the coffins." They were full of clothes, memories....I saved it all...but why! Because I thought I needed to or I wouldn't have the memory to go with it. I was generous and allowed a few special people to go through the coffins and take a few things knowing they would be well used and were appreciated. But I was very selective in the items I let go of. When we found out we were going to be blessed with Ulrik I went down stairs to sort through the clothes. I knew there were a few non gender specific items, and so what if he wore a onesie with a few flowers on it, I was recycling. My heart fell into my stomach when I opened the first coffin. I guess there was a reason we called it a coffin. When the basement had gotten wet there was a crack in the bottom of the coffin that we didn't know about. I opened a box of molded mush...mush...that's what the first 12 months of clothes, memories had been turned into. I opened a second coffin and it too had gone mushy only on the bottom half. When I was done removing the coffins all my Mom had rescued was reduced to a sandwich size Ziploc with a little piece of this and a little piece of that. Wow!!! I learned 2 very important lessons...
1.Bigger isn't always better
2. You cant physically save everything.
So now I'm here with this project, this seemingly overwhelming task that I've been putting off for weeks, months honestly years. I'm choking as I look at the things I've saved, my Mom is laughing at some items. Ulriks Wolverine shirt that talked, honestly the coolest shirt for a kid who didn't talk. It is so faded and the magic "talk "button sounds a bit demented. But it was his favorite!!!! Ive saved dresses both Linnea and Annika wore. Thankfully anything over 18 months with the exception of 1 or 2 items was saved! But I learned to pick and choose. Ive saved a blanket a ratty old receiving blanket. I bought it for Zachary and finally let the other kids use it. T-shirts from a trip we took... there is a memory there. Will the memory fade if I don't save it, maybe,or will the item bring back the memory and be a story to tell my grandchildren one day, I can hope. I can hope to see granddaughters wearing the dresses and sweaters my Mom made for their Moms. The girls wore a sweater that was mine!
So did the loss of those clothes...the mush really take away all the memories, did it make the first year of Linneas life less important, less meaningful, less real, less hurtful, less mushy.....? No it didn't. It sucked having to drag those coffins out to the curb. I cried when I had to do it...being hormonally imbalanced at the time didn't help! But I still had Linnea, I had pictures, i just didn't have anything physical to share with her. Would she really care that I didn't have the outfit she wore in her first portrait, would this drive her straight to the psych ward in St.Peter. No she wouldn't care, now if it was today and the house burned down she would probably go crazy over loosing her platform boots and tripp pants! But in the end they are just things. Those coffins were full of just things, the clothes Ive handed down, sold, dropped at the thrift store they are just things. Not the memories, not the important stuff, not the story, not my children. They can not be replaced...this i know for a fact. Do I need to spend money on Space Bags and paper to put these things away? Yes, but why? Because I want to, I need to. I cant let go of everything, but then again it can still be lost........
BUT I CAN TRY!!! TRY TO HOLD ON, TRY TO SAVOR A MEMORY, TRY TO REMIND MYSELF, MY KIDS. Try to remember when things are going all wobbly and i just want to crawl in bed and wait for the crap to go away to get to a better day, try to savor a memory. Of a day when something was good, everyone was happy, not looking at everything that was wrong. I can try to just remember without needing something physical to show me the memory.
I'm going to hope that all my work and tears with this project don't get ruined. No storm comes through and rips them away. No mouse finds his way into what is supposed to be a indestructible bag. I'm putting some hope in those bags. I hope it doesn't get sucked into the vacuum. That thing really doesn't need the hope, I need it. I need something to grab onto.
Hope is a tough sell these days. Trying to find it sometimes feels like looking for the last chocolate bar hidden somewhere in the back of the cabinet (only to discover a little chocolate thief took it). But it is around, you cant give up on it. Or can i? I wont give up on hope, I've given up on other things, but not this one. I go to bed hoping the dish fairy came (hasn't happened but hey I'm HOPING)! I hope my hubs is happy i completed a long awaited, taking up space in the family room project. I hope the kids like dinner, I hope Linnea only has one cavity, I hope I can read a book today, I hope I can make it another day on this river and not fall into the water....... I hope, I hope, I hope.....I'm not giving up on it.
So I'm going to hope:
I don't ABANDON my children when they need me the most.
I don't NEGLECT everything around me and let it fall in disrepair.
I don't HURT so much everyday, not let it consume me, take me to the dark recesses.
I'm going to hope I didn't bore anyone who reads this too much!
Please don't give up on hope, don't put it out to the curb in a box of mush, don't bury it in the ground with something you had hoped for, keep it in you. Keep it with you.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Friday, May 10, 2013
14 days and counting...............
14 days and counting.........
I have been neglecting many things as of the last few months. Of course computer time is one of them. It didn't help when the "blue screen of death" appeared and we had to completely replace the hard drive. Not the end of the world except for Windows 8. Not liking it yet.
I have spent the last few months trying to keep my head above water. My Mom and her cancer treatment. The trips to chemo and other doctoring. The keeping her spirits up (attempting), trying to find the right thing that will make her feel better, trying many times unsuccessfully. It was brought to my attention that i'm not the one dealing with my mortality. Yes very true and I've tried to take this into account. But even with this, trying to keep someone flushing the pity pot is hard work. Its also tiring walking on eggshells. Thank you has been said many times, by Mom for taking care of her and by my siblings for taking the brunt of it. We are past the halfway mark for chemo, so that means only another 63 days til chemo is done. We will just keep waiting for the next chapter to see what else this year will hold.
In the midst of dealing with Mom, Annika had her bladder surgery. I ran the house with the help of my father-in-law from a hospital room. Surgery went fine, we were both anxious to go home the next day. I was more anxious when I found out the nurse couldn't read and gave Anni the medicine she should have only had if she was in a lot of pain. This would account for what happened over the next few days after. Annika came home tired and partially snowed from meds. She perked up the next day, then downhill we went. Annika was plugged up tight. With the help of some wonderful little medicine things turned around within hours. Within 36 hours she was back to our little demon. The countdown with her is done, we did the surgery, it worked we should be good to go (I hope)
In trying to keep my head up, I was thrown back into the deep end with Linnea. She decided to become one with the bathroom floor. I watched the whole thing. Our bathroom is small, so falling from the toilet means you will either hit the wall, door, floor, or tub. Linnea chose the first 3. We went to the ER. We had MRIs and a CT scan. Blood work, EKGs. Then a EEG, sleep deprived EEG. Telling a teenager to stay awake is not a easy task. We have seen a neurologist, a neurosurgeon, and a cardiologist. All to be told that something doesn't quite seem right, but lets wait another 6 weeks to check things over again and make a decision then. But in the meantime your child can't ride her bike, climb a mountain, run with her friends, be left alone. Oh and lets put her on this medication that will probably make her feel like shes in a fog, afraid to walk up stairs, or for that matter be afraid to leave the house. Oh yes this is so much better. So more days to count down for the next chapter.
The one who doesn't cause any ripples, my Ulrik. He decided splashing was more his style and puked all over my feet. He is having a hard time with Grandma being sick. So he sees the social worker at school 1 day a week. We are letting him wear his "chemo cap" to support grandma one day a week to school. This seems to help, but then again he still looks hurt. I try so hard to make sure he doesn't feel left out with the girls getting so much extra attention. I'm not sure I'm succeeding, there it is again a mothers guilt. I try to take him by myself to his guitar lesson, that's our 45 minutes together with no one else. We usually sneak a treat along the way, but he can never keep it a secret. I guess he won't be a senator.
And then my husband..... he decides to have a ulcer. Oh make that 2. At least it explains his constant complaining about his "heartburn". I really should buy stock in Alka-Seltzer and Tums. Medication, and more testing to come. Yup another next chapter in the year.
Now this weekend is Mothers Day. A time to celebrate Mom. ME,ME,ME! I don't like Mothers day, I haven't liked it in 14 years. My first Mothers day was spent without a new baby in my arms. People around me trying to forget or avoid what had just happened. My husband, wonderful Mr.T, got me a ring (well 2, but) it wasn't expensive, it isn't anything overly special. But it hasn't left my finger in 14 years. Even when my old crappy wedding ring broke I always had on my "MOM" ring. When I got my new ring made I debated about welding my new ring to the old "MOM" ring. In the end I'm glad I did. Its still always there, its a symbol that no matter whether we had more children or not I will always be a Mom and someone was making sure I wouldn't forget it. My children know that its just another day. It just gives them a excuse to maybe be a little nicer to each other, indulge me if I want to go to the cemetery for pictures, or leave me alone if the tears start rolling. But just because I don't like it doesn't mean I can completely forget the fact that I am a Mom or all the wonderful women I have in my lives that are Moms. I will say Happy Mothers day to you, but please don't expect flowers, cards, or candy from me. I have my children all of them to be thankful for, but I don't need a special holiday to remind me or them of how important we are in each others lives. Without Zachary, Linnea, Ulrik, Baby Bailey and Annika I wouldn't have the title of MOM, I'm perfectly content with getting a quick hug or cuddle everyday to make me feel special. There's still many more chapters in that book to be written.
And then there is the 14 days......... 14 days till school is out. 14 days till I have to remember to feed all the kids, remember sunscreen, keep Danger Dude in the plastic bubble. I see a broken something in the future this summer, why not, not like the year has been all stellar. Remembering to sit down each day and work on reading and writing. But yet its also a time to stay up late, stay in bed longer, camp out in the yard, explore. Can I make sure that there is some fun in summer this year? I'm not sure yet, I'm not sure about the summer chapter. I don't think 14 days to prepare for 3 months is enough.
This is the song that is playing in my head right now, at least the most appropriate to post. I am TITANIUM, I will not fall.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRfuAukYTKg&feature=player_detailpage
Enjoy your weekend.
I have been neglecting many things as of the last few months. Of course computer time is one of them. It didn't help when the "blue screen of death" appeared and we had to completely replace the hard drive. Not the end of the world except for Windows 8. Not liking it yet.
I have spent the last few months trying to keep my head above water. My Mom and her cancer treatment. The trips to chemo and other doctoring. The keeping her spirits up (attempting), trying to find the right thing that will make her feel better, trying many times unsuccessfully. It was brought to my attention that i'm not the one dealing with my mortality. Yes very true and I've tried to take this into account. But even with this, trying to keep someone flushing the pity pot is hard work. Its also tiring walking on eggshells. Thank you has been said many times, by Mom for taking care of her and by my siblings for taking the brunt of it. We are past the halfway mark for chemo, so that means only another 63 days til chemo is done. We will just keep waiting for the next chapter to see what else this year will hold.
In the midst of dealing with Mom, Annika had her bladder surgery. I ran the house with the help of my father-in-law from a hospital room. Surgery went fine, we were both anxious to go home the next day. I was more anxious when I found out the nurse couldn't read and gave Anni the medicine she should have only had if she was in a lot of pain. This would account for what happened over the next few days after. Annika came home tired and partially snowed from meds. She perked up the next day, then downhill we went. Annika was plugged up tight. With the help of some wonderful little medicine things turned around within hours. Within 36 hours she was back to our little demon. The countdown with her is done, we did the surgery, it worked we should be good to go (I hope)
In trying to keep my head up, I was thrown back into the deep end with Linnea. She decided to become one with the bathroom floor. I watched the whole thing. Our bathroom is small, so falling from the toilet means you will either hit the wall, door, floor, or tub. Linnea chose the first 3. We went to the ER. We had MRIs and a CT scan. Blood work, EKGs. Then a EEG, sleep deprived EEG. Telling a teenager to stay awake is not a easy task. We have seen a neurologist, a neurosurgeon, and a cardiologist. All to be told that something doesn't quite seem right, but lets wait another 6 weeks to check things over again and make a decision then. But in the meantime your child can't ride her bike, climb a mountain, run with her friends, be left alone. Oh and lets put her on this medication that will probably make her feel like shes in a fog, afraid to walk up stairs, or for that matter be afraid to leave the house. Oh yes this is so much better. So more days to count down for the next chapter.
The one who doesn't cause any ripples, my Ulrik. He decided splashing was more his style and puked all over my feet. He is having a hard time with Grandma being sick. So he sees the social worker at school 1 day a week. We are letting him wear his "chemo cap" to support grandma one day a week to school. This seems to help, but then again he still looks hurt. I try so hard to make sure he doesn't feel left out with the girls getting so much extra attention. I'm not sure I'm succeeding, there it is again a mothers guilt. I try to take him by myself to his guitar lesson, that's our 45 minutes together with no one else. We usually sneak a treat along the way, but he can never keep it a secret. I guess he won't be a senator.
And then my husband..... he decides to have a ulcer. Oh make that 2. At least it explains his constant complaining about his "heartburn". I really should buy stock in Alka-Seltzer and Tums. Medication, and more testing to come. Yup another next chapter in the year.
Now this weekend is Mothers Day. A time to celebrate Mom. ME,ME,ME! I don't like Mothers day, I haven't liked it in 14 years. My first Mothers day was spent without a new baby in my arms. People around me trying to forget or avoid what had just happened. My husband, wonderful Mr.T, got me a ring (well 2, but) it wasn't expensive, it isn't anything overly special. But it hasn't left my finger in 14 years. Even when my old crappy wedding ring broke I always had on my "MOM" ring. When I got my new ring made I debated about welding my new ring to the old "MOM" ring. In the end I'm glad I did. Its still always there, its a symbol that no matter whether we had more children or not I will always be a Mom and someone was making sure I wouldn't forget it. My children know that its just another day. It just gives them a excuse to maybe be a little nicer to each other, indulge me if I want to go to the cemetery for pictures, or leave me alone if the tears start rolling. But just because I don't like it doesn't mean I can completely forget the fact that I am a Mom or all the wonderful women I have in my lives that are Moms. I will say Happy Mothers day to you, but please don't expect flowers, cards, or candy from me. I have my children all of them to be thankful for, but I don't need a special holiday to remind me or them of how important we are in each others lives. Without Zachary, Linnea, Ulrik, Baby Bailey and Annika I wouldn't have the title of MOM, I'm perfectly content with getting a quick hug or cuddle everyday to make me feel special. There's still many more chapters in that book to be written.
And then there is the 14 days......... 14 days till school is out. 14 days till I have to remember to feed all the kids, remember sunscreen, keep Danger Dude in the plastic bubble. I see a broken something in the future this summer, why not, not like the year has been all stellar. Remembering to sit down each day and work on reading and writing. But yet its also a time to stay up late, stay in bed longer, camp out in the yard, explore. Can I make sure that there is some fun in summer this year? I'm not sure yet, I'm not sure about the summer chapter. I don't think 14 days to prepare for 3 months is enough.
This is the song that is playing in my head right now, at least the most appropriate to post. I am TITANIUM, I will not fall.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRfuAukYTKg&feature=player_detailpage
Enjoy your weekend.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Final countdown....
Its been a few weeks since I've really had time to do much for me. Well Piper is content, and everyone else is at school so time for me. Annika had strep throat for almost 2 weeks and we didn't know it. She had no other symptoms, mostly based on the fact that her daily antibiotics to prevent UTIs were suppressing things. The naughty bugs have left the building, thank you and hallelujah!!! We had the IRIS pancake breakfast. I think it was a great success. While there it was announced that IRIS is getting a house. No more office front, I'm so excited to go see it when its ready. I like many other IRIS families were heartbroken when the original office flooded last year. Thankfully the angels have been patiently waiting to welcome everyone home. Linnea and Matthew won at BINGO. Linnea won twice and being gracious gave her second winnings to Ulrik who had worked his kester of all morning. Everyone went home happy and full of pancakes and bake sale items! For Annika this translated into 5 cupcakes over the course of 5 hours. The kids did a great job helping out. I quit therapy on my foot. I have the knowledge to work on it on my own. It was just one more appointment to try to keep track of. I determined we ate out waaaaaaaayyyyyy to much in the last month plus. I counted Domino's receipts and determined we had eaten over 50 pizzas from there. I think it's time to lock that website on the computer.
Now onto the countdown......
Today is Monday. Two more days till Wednesday.
Wednesday is a big day.
Wednesday is the day Mom goes back to the oncologist. Wednesday is the day we find out if the cancer is gone or if there is more. We find out what treatment may be necessary, or if any is needed. Big day.
For me there's something equally important. My husband turns 40. Oh my 40!
When I think about all he has done and overcome to get to 40, it makes me look at all I've done to get to 35.
A, of course I was born (duh).
B, I survived childhood. I didn't have a bike helmet (would have come in handy when I ran into the parked car), I rode on a 3 wheeler, I flipped over the 3 wheeler. I came out a stronger person due to the bullying(teasing in my day). I learned empathy dealing with my Dad being sick and in a wheelchair, on crutches, in a hospital bed. I learned how to cook, thankfully I improved on this accomplishment. Painfully evident on my waistline and hips. I learned how to be a friend. I do fail at being a good friend some days as I get to wrapped up in my life to remember to check in with others. I learned to accept ME, march to the beat of your own drummer, hard lesson, but important. C, I graduated high school. I managed to do it after failing Algebra for 4 years. I didn't have to dissect anything (thank you lord), I never got sent to the principals office and I had a rocking station wagon. I took my ability to play an instrument and used it to go to Germany and Austria my senior year. I was able to experience my heritage. Granted it was under the watchful eyes of chaperone's, but I saw a world so full of history that is really where my story began.
D, I became a wife,I met Thomas. Who knew all those nights he pulled doubles would have gotten him a king size bed and 4 kids.
E, I've been to hell. Made it back with the stretch marks to prove it. The trip to get back has put me in such a completely different place then I would have ever imagined i would be. I ride the river of grief everyday, a consolation price for my initial trip.
F, I became a Mom. In school my best friend Ruby would joke I was going to have a dozen kids and treat them like donuts. Well I would have loved to keep going but Mother Nature, my heart and God told me to stop I really don't think I could handle a new baby and a new teenager at the same time! I just wish someone had shut off the biological clock when they shut off my fallopian tubes.
G, Ive learned so much, I've met some amazing people, Ive watched my butt expand, Ive had pain, I've felt pain, I've grown from pain. Ive given life, I've watched it be taken away. Ive cried tears of sadness, tears of joy and tears for no reason at all, other then the commercial made me do it. There is so much we have done, will do, and are doing right now, that is simply amazing. Simply awesome, and simply terrifying. Has my life to today been a horror, a comedy, a drama, or an action filled story? (I watched some of the Oscars last night,sorry) Do our lives play out like a combination of all these? I really think they do, but the good guys don't always finish first. Sometimes they come in dead last but they did it. The money doesn't always just flow.(sucks but hey very rarely do the bank robbers NOT get caught) , the cars aren't always pretty and fast ( hey have you seen the granny van) and everybody feels real anguish, pain, and heartbreak. But everyone feels real joy, real excitement( even if it is just a package from Amazon). Ive been trying so hard to practice what I preach and that is find one thing to be thankful for everyday. Easy, thank you for another day...... wrong dig deeper my friends. Friday I was thankful for the voice from the backseat, belting out "Stars" Saturday I was thankful for getting a cup of hot chocolate with Linnea and listening to her without having anyone else to interrupt her. Sunday I was thankful I finished reading a book to Ulrik, I didn't enjoy the book, but it was the time I spent with him and only him reading it. Today, of course I'm thankful for breathing, easy peasy. Ive already been thankful many times today. I said "thank you" to Thomas for going to work today. I said "thank you" there were still frozen waffles for breakfast. I said "thank you" the kids all went to school. But I haven't yet had the one special thing to come across yet, the day is still young it will come.
Last on the countdown, Friday. i get to spend some quality time with one of my favorite partners in crime, my little sister Catie. Our quality time will be spent in a tattoo parlor, in opposite chairs getting fresh ink. I'm so excited.
Our song of the week is "Stars" by Grace and the Nocturnals. Hearing it from the mouth of a 4 year old is music to my ears.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ml7TmC__eDc
Now onto the countdown......
Today is Monday. Two more days till Wednesday.
Wednesday is a big day.
Wednesday is the day Mom goes back to the oncologist. Wednesday is the day we find out if the cancer is gone or if there is more. We find out what treatment may be necessary, or if any is needed. Big day.
For me there's something equally important. My husband turns 40. Oh my 40!
When I think about all he has done and overcome to get to 40, it makes me look at all I've done to get to 35.
A, of course I was born (duh).
B, I survived childhood. I didn't have a bike helmet (would have come in handy when I ran into the parked car), I rode on a 3 wheeler, I flipped over the 3 wheeler. I came out a stronger person due to the bullying(teasing in my day). I learned empathy dealing with my Dad being sick and in a wheelchair, on crutches, in a hospital bed. I learned how to cook, thankfully I improved on this accomplishment. Painfully evident on my waistline and hips. I learned how to be a friend. I do fail at being a good friend some days as I get to wrapped up in my life to remember to check in with others. I learned to accept ME, march to the beat of your own drummer, hard lesson, but important. C, I graduated high school. I managed to do it after failing Algebra for 4 years. I didn't have to dissect anything (thank you lord), I never got sent to the principals office and I had a rocking station wagon. I took my ability to play an instrument and used it to go to Germany and Austria my senior year. I was able to experience my heritage. Granted it was under the watchful eyes of chaperone's, but I saw a world so full of history that is really where my story began.
D, I became a wife,I met Thomas. Who knew all those nights he pulled doubles would have gotten him a king size bed and 4 kids.
E, I've been to hell. Made it back with the stretch marks to prove it. The trip to get back has put me in such a completely different place then I would have ever imagined i would be. I ride the river of grief everyday, a consolation price for my initial trip.
F, I became a Mom. In school my best friend Ruby would joke I was going to have a dozen kids and treat them like donuts. Well I would have loved to keep going but Mother Nature, my heart and God told me to stop I really don't think I could handle a new baby and a new teenager at the same time! I just wish someone had shut off the biological clock when they shut off my fallopian tubes.
G, Ive learned so much, I've met some amazing people, Ive watched my butt expand, Ive had pain, I've felt pain, I've grown from pain. Ive given life, I've watched it be taken away. Ive cried tears of sadness, tears of joy and tears for no reason at all, other then the commercial made me do it. There is so much we have done, will do, and are doing right now, that is simply amazing. Simply awesome, and simply terrifying. Has my life to today been a horror, a comedy, a drama, or an action filled story? (I watched some of the Oscars last night,sorry) Do our lives play out like a combination of all these? I really think they do, but the good guys don't always finish first. Sometimes they come in dead last but they did it. The money doesn't always just flow.(sucks but hey very rarely do the bank robbers NOT get caught) , the cars aren't always pretty and fast ( hey have you seen the granny van) and everybody feels real anguish, pain, and heartbreak. But everyone feels real joy, real excitement( even if it is just a package from Amazon). Ive been trying so hard to practice what I preach and that is find one thing to be thankful for everyday. Easy, thank you for another day...... wrong dig deeper my friends. Friday I was thankful for the voice from the backseat, belting out "Stars" Saturday I was thankful for getting a cup of hot chocolate with Linnea and listening to her without having anyone else to interrupt her. Sunday I was thankful I finished reading a book to Ulrik, I didn't enjoy the book, but it was the time I spent with him and only him reading it. Today, of course I'm thankful for breathing, easy peasy. Ive already been thankful many times today. I said "thank you" to Thomas for going to work today. I said "thank you" there were still frozen waffles for breakfast. I said "thank you" the kids all went to school. But I haven't yet had the one special thing to come across yet, the day is still young it will come.
Last on the countdown, Friday. i get to spend some quality time with one of my favorite partners in crime, my little sister Catie. Our quality time will be spent in a tattoo parlor, in opposite chairs getting fresh ink. I'm so excited.
Our song of the week is "Stars" by Grace and the Nocturnals. Hearing it from the mouth of a 4 year old is music to my ears.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ml7TmC__eDc
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
14 years and i'm still standing......
Happy 14th Heavenly Birthday to my first born, my born still, my special angel, son Zachary.
Missing Piece
by: Libby Schmit
I never held you in my arms,
but I carried you within me for 263 days.
I only have things to remind me of you,
but you have the piece of my heart you took the day you went away.
My life is forever changed,
my heart will never be whole.
You will always have the missing piece,
deep within your soul.
Missing Piece
by: Libby Schmit
I never held you in my arms,
but I carried you within me for 263 days.
I only have things to remind me of you,
but you have the piece of my heart you took the day you went away.
My life is forever changed,
my heart will never be whole.
You will always have the missing piece,
deep within your soul.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Juggling can be painful.............
Wow, how many balls can you keep juggling at once? I personally can not juggle real balls, not a prayer! With my vertical imbalance I'm lucky I can stay standing some days. But apparently I'm quite adept at "juggling." My skills will be seriously put to the test in the next weeks.
2 weeks ago my Mom went in for her physical, she had mentioned a change in a old scar on her breast but just left it alone for the holidays. The mammogram was clear, but the doctor opted for additionally testing. A ultrasound saw something, so then onto a biopsy. The biopsy revealed it was cancerous. Then started a whirlwind of appointments and testing. A MRI confirmed there was a mass, over 6cm. Ok, next step deciding on a single or double mastectomy. Mom said "I have no attachment to these things, take them away." Ok, double it is. So then came more waiting and finally surgery yesterday. Well all said and done, there was cancer in both breasts. The left one had just not been detected on any of the imaging. THANK YOU ANGELS for helping push things in the right direction. Now we head into recovery mode. As Mom was laying in the hospital bed last night in and out of it, we knew she was going to be fine when she was still able to crack a one liner and flip me off. Hoping today she will be more awake and coherent and able to get up and move a bit. We will not know till the 6th of February if she will need chemo or not, but we will throw that ball into the air to juggle if necessary. Its going to be a interesting few weeks as Mom enjoys sitting still, but isn't all about being the patient. She will just have to accept this and enjoy it. Shes earned it.
Juggling the tween, in 2 more days Linnea will officially be a teenager. Officially she will be there, technically I think we have been there since September when school started. She has her moments when I see glimpses of my little flower, giggly, sweet, silly, and just a plain goofball. Then there's the days of her tough girl attitude, loud music and growing up. She loves her 80's hard rock, her dark clothes, and hiding in her room. Such a adjustment.....
Juggling the preschooler............. Attitude Annika, so opinionated. She knows what she wants and she is not afraid to tell you. She has nothing wrong with calling you names to get it. She is becoming very familiar with a kitchen wall! I don't know if it is added stress at home or if something has changed with her kidney reflux. We have had almost 1 or 2 accidents a day and this has not been a problem since she was potty trained. I changed her appointment to sooner to meet with the doctor about surgery. So throw another ball in the air, because its looking sooner then later.
Juggling the boy, there 's not much to juggle here. Other then his energy and want for yet another Skylander, Ulrik is such a easy keeper. He is helpful, quiet, understanding. He looks so forward to every moment he gets to play the Wii. To run to the store with just me, to share a secret treat between us. He really enjoys when we get to sit and read before bed. I feel badly when it doesn't work out to give him this quiet time together. But yet he just keeps rolling along with it all. Oh I hope HIS teenage years stay this easy!
Juggling the husband............ We have been dealing with Thomas and his acid reflux for awhile. It has gotten to be plain annoying!! He decided the other day to "screw it" if the medicine isn't working then fine I'm not going to take it. So today it off to the "gag me with a spoon" doctor to see if things have changed. So............am I looking at the possibility of a third surgery for the year?? I have a feeling definitely more doctoring. UGH!
I'm trying to keep sane, while juggling. I painted half the kitchen yesterday while waiting to hear how Mom was. I think I might just have to go get the paint to finish the other half tomorrow. Ive got the bathroom to paint still, but Ive been stalling on that one, so I can change things a bit. New cabinet and light take a little extra time and money. Annika and Ulrik especially love to craft with me. I found a salad spinner for under 5 bucks at IKEA. They have been patiently waiting to try to make some spin art crafts of sort. I'm looking forward to it also. We just made our donation for the upcoming IRIS fundraiser. Ulrik and Annika had a blast helping to pick out fleece and stuff our "Hooters" I hope everyone enjoys them.
Juggling, I have Moms recovery and subsequent care.
Juggling, Linnea becoming a teenager
Juggling, Annika and her kidneys
Juggling, Time for Ulrik
Juggling, Thomas and the acid
Juggling, every ones schedules
Juggling, Zacharys 14th heavenly birthday
Juggling, Juggling, Juggling.
You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best that you have to give.
Eleanor Roosevelt
A couch full of Hooters
2 weeks ago my Mom went in for her physical, she had mentioned a change in a old scar on her breast but just left it alone for the holidays. The mammogram was clear, but the doctor opted for additionally testing. A ultrasound saw something, so then onto a biopsy. The biopsy revealed it was cancerous. Then started a whirlwind of appointments and testing. A MRI confirmed there was a mass, over 6cm. Ok, next step deciding on a single or double mastectomy. Mom said "I have no attachment to these things, take them away." Ok, double it is. So then came more waiting and finally surgery yesterday. Well all said and done, there was cancer in both breasts. The left one had just not been detected on any of the imaging. THANK YOU ANGELS for helping push things in the right direction. Now we head into recovery mode. As Mom was laying in the hospital bed last night in and out of it, we knew she was going to be fine when she was still able to crack a one liner and flip me off. Hoping today she will be more awake and coherent and able to get up and move a bit. We will not know till the 6th of February if she will need chemo or not, but we will throw that ball into the air to juggle if necessary. Its going to be a interesting few weeks as Mom enjoys sitting still, but isn't all about being the patient. She will just have to accept this and enjoy it. Shes earned it.
Juggling the tween, in 2 more days Linnea will officially be a teenager. Officially she will be there, technically I think we have been there since September when school started. She has her moments when I see glimpses of my little flower, giggly, sweet, silly, and just a plain goofball. Then there's the days of her tough girl attitude, loud music and growing up. She loves her 80's hard rock, her dark clothes, and hiding in her room. Such a adjustment.....
Juggling the preschooler............. Attitude Annika, so opinionated. She knows what she wants and she is not afraid to tell you. She has nothing wrong with calling you names to get it. She is becoming very familiar with a kitchen wall! I don't know if it is added stress at home or if something has changed with her kidney reflux. We have had almost 1 or 2 accidents a day and this has not been a problem since she was potty trained. I changed her appointment to sooner to meet with the doctor about surgery. So throw another ball in the air, because its looking sooner then later.
Juggling the boy, there 's not much to juggle here. Other then his energy and want for yet another Skylander, Ulrik is such a easy keeper. He is helpful, quiet, understanding. He looks so forward to every moment he gets to play the Wii. To run to the store with just me, to share a secret treat between us. He really enjoys when we get to sit and read before bed. I feel badly when it doesn't work out to give him this quiet time together. But yet he just keeps rolling along with it all. Oh I hope HIS teenage years stay this easy!
Juggling the husband............ We have been dealing with Thomas and his acid reflux for awhile. It has gotten to be plain annoying!! He decided the other day to "screw it" if the medicine isn't working then fine I'm not going to take it. So today it off to the "gag me with a spoon" doctor to see if things have changed. So............am I looking at the possibility of a third surgery for the year?? I have a feeling definitely more doctoring. UGH!
I'm trying to keep sane, while juggling. I painted half the kitchen yesterday while waiting to hear how Mom was. I think I might just have to go get the paint to finish the other half tomorrow. Ive got the bathroom to paint still, but Ive been stalling on that one, so I can change things a bit. New cabinet and light take a little extra time and money. Annika and Ulrik especially love to craft with me. I found a salad spinner for under 5 bucks at IKEA. They have been patiently waiting to try to make some spin art crafts of sort. I'm looking forward to it also. We just made our donation for the upcoming IRIS fundraiser. Ulrik and Annika had a blast helping to pick out fleece and stuff our "Hooters" I hope everyone enjoys them.
Juggling, I have Moms recovery and subsequent care.
Juggling, Linnea becoming a teenager
Juggling, Annika and her kidneys
Juggling, Time for Ulrik
Juggling, Thomas and the acid
Juggling, every ones schedules
Juggling, Zacharys 14th heavenly birthday
Juggling, Juggling, Juggling.
You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best that you have to give.
Eleanor Roosevelt
A couch full of Hooters
Our Pinterest snow balls
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Happy Anniversary!
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| Yes that really is Mt. Rushmore! |
1-9-99, pretty damn easy!!!
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| Yup, im corny like my Mom! Linnea 2002 |
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| Yup, I got my Dad's voice, Roar! Ulrik 2004 |
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| Yup, I got Mom's cuddly nature, but Dad's firey red hair and attitude to match, the best of both worlds! Annika 2009 |
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| Holy Moly this kid is crazy!!! Ulrik and Linnea 2004 |
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| All our children together! September 2008 |
All these things wouldnt have ever come to fruition if he hadnt stayed late one night at work and offered up his pager number(dates us a bit) and I hadn't thrown caution to the wind and paged him a couple days later. Im forever grateful for whatever spirit picked up my hand and led it to the phone. Thank you Thomas for a amazing 14 years, I'm looking forward to the next 14 and many more after that. I love you!
 |
| Woo hoo 14 years!!!! |
Our song. Louis Armstrong, What a wonderful world
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!
.
Wow how the time flies, another year. In 7 days Thomas and I will be celebrating our 14th anniversary. Then 23 days later our "little flower" Linnea will officially become a TEENAGER!!! With those days counted comes another countdown, 35 days will be Zachary's 14th birthday in heaven. In the words of Annika "holy wackamole" 14 years, 13 years, all these events feel like they just happened a few years ago not past the 10 year mark already. To think, yes I already have a teenager who is a amazing part of our lives, and soon I will have a second one who can argue back, haha! I am praying for beautiful calm weather on both January 25 and February 6. I will be setting the alarm and waking up Linnea to do something very special for her birthday. At 2:12 am we will be awake celebrating her entrance into the teenage years! Pictures to come.
Ulrik received his first and second pocket knives, and Linnea received a pile of pens along with 700 sheets of paper in a binder. That will hopefully save a few notebooks so we can make it to the end of the year. We spent the afternoon watching "National Lampoons Christmas Vacation" and the timeless classic "A Christmas Story" I think we watched 12 hours of the 24 hour marathon.
Christmas break was relaxed with nothing to do but the daily house stuff. I got to sleep in with the kids, lounge around all day, play outside, play referee, and spend time together. On the 29th we went to Thomas' sister Tina's house and had another round of good food and good company. So many memories have been made around the kitchen table. Maybe its the food that gets everybody settled there or its just where so much live centers around that brings us there.
We had snow over break which was great for the kids, but not for me. Once again I'm on the injured list. Maybe soon I'll find a way to get off of it. Bonus part the kids shoveled the driveway......TOGETHER!!!! No argument (gasp!) They were rewarded with Pizza Hut for dinner, again no argument!
.
Christmas Eve before Church
Wow how the time flies, another year. In 7 days Thomas and I will be celebrating our 14th anniversary. Then 23 days later our "little flower" Linnea will officially become a TEENAGER!!! With those days counted comes another countdown, 35 days will be Zachary's 14th birthday in heaven. In the words of Annika "holy wackamole" 14 years, 13 years, all these events feel like they just happened a few years ago not past the 10 year mark already. To think, yes I already have a teenager who is a amazing part of our lives, and soon I will have a second one who can argue back, haha! I am praying for beautiful calm weather on both January 25 and February 6. I will be setting the alarm and waking up Linnea to do something very special for her birthday. At 2:12 am we will be awake celebrating her entrance into the teenage years! Pictures to come.
We had a wonderful Christmas. on the 22nd my brother, sister and their families came over and we demolished a crock pot of sloppy joes and desserts. The kids got to spend time together, annoying each other and playing. Christmas day was just ours. The kids didn't get up till after 7. I had the alarm set for 730 so Grandma had time to watch them open present before work. Santa brought some nice and needed items. Annika had the best line of the day with her first gift. "This isn't what I asked for!" She asked Santa for only 2 things, a nightie with her twin "Merida" from Brave on it and Meridas horse "Angus". The first present was a tshirt I had made. After being shown that there were more gifts she decided to wait and see if it was there. And yes the last present was indeed what she had asked Santa
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| Annika and Angus |
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| Annika and her twin Merida |
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| Ulrik and his knives |
Christmas break was relaxed with nothing to do but the daily house stuff. I got to sleep in with the kids, lounge around all day, play outside, play referee, and spend time together. On the 29th we went to Thomas' sister Tina's house and had another round of good food and good company. So many memories have been made around the kitchen table. Maybe its the food that gets everybody settled there or its just where so much live centers around that brings us there.
We had snow over break which was great for the kids, but not for me. Once again I'm on the injured list. Maybe soon I'll find a way to get off of it. Bonus part the kids shoveled the driveway......TOGETHER!!!! No argument (gasp!) They were rewarded with Pizza Hut for dinner, again no argument!
 |
| They did it together! |
We all slept through the New Year. New Years Eve the kids were treated to a fireworks display in the neighbors backyard. It was quite spectacular for about 15 minutes and then "BOOM" the yard lite up bright red and the show was done. No firetrucks, no ambulance so it was all good. Thomas and I spent time watching "grown up" movies that had no animation in them. I've got the instant que on Netflix down from 357 to 350. I'm working my way there!
Today everybody went back to normal. Kids back to school, Thomas back to work and Annika and Piper storming the castle together, and after a week apart storming is exactly the way its been. By Monday morning everyone, including me will be sliding back into our routine. Lets hope we can infuse a little magic so it doesn't become so plain old day in day out the same. I'm sure I can find a recipe on Pinterest for PIXIE DUST! Everyone is slowly coming home, first Linnea and next will be Thomas and then the boys and Grandma. Time for me to bring the clean kitchen to life and make a dinner for my family, here's some pictures of December at our house. |
| The boys in the hats I made them that actually FIT!! |
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