I have abandoned projects.....but never my children
I have neglected things......this blog, my housework, my self.
I am hurt.......I'm struggling.......I'm surviving.
I am here in my room trying to finish a neglected project. Why have I neglected this one for a multitude of reasons. It is clothes my kids have outgrown. Clothes I wanted to save or feel compelled to save. When Linnea was a baby I saved EVERYTHING!! We hoped for more children. She was the first little girl on Thomas' side of the family. We were all over the moon to have a healthy little baby in our arms. Ms. Monte (Thomas' mom) was happy to hit the clearance racks for cute pink, colorful outfits, especially after 5 grandsons! We had the largest Rubbermaid we could find, we nicknamed them " the coffins." They were full of clothes, memories....I saved it all...but why! Because I thought I needed to or I wouldn't have the memory to go with it. I was generous and allowed a few special people to go through the coffins and take a few things knowing they would be well used and were appreciated. But I was very selective in the items I let go of. When we found out we were going to be blessed with Ulrik I went down stairs to sort through the clothes. I knew there were a few non gender specific items, and so what if he wore a onesie with a few flowers on it, I was recycling. My heart fell into my stomach when I opened the first coffin. I guess there was a reason we called it a coffin. When the basement had gotten wet there was a crack in the bottom of the coffin that we didn't know about. I opened a box of molded mush...mush...that's what the first 12 months of clothes, memories had been turned into. I opened a second coffin and it too had gone mushy only on the bottom half. When I was done removing the coffins all my Mom had rescued was reduced to a sandwich size Ziploc with a little piece of this and a little piece of that. Wow!!! I learned 2 very important lessons...
1.Bigger isn't always better
2. You cant physically save everything.
So now I'm here with this project, this seemingly overwhelming task that I've been putting off for weeks, months honestly years. I'm choking as I look at the things I've saved, my Mom is laughing at some items. Ulriks Wolverine shirt that talked, honestly the coolest shirt for a kid who didn't talk. It is so faded and the magic "talk "button sounds a bit demented. But it was his favorite!!!! Ive saved dresses both Linnea and Annika wore. Thankfully anything over 18 months with the exception of 1 or 2 items was saved! But I learned to pick and choose. Ive saved a blanket a ratty old receiving blanket. I bought it for Zachary and finally let the other kids use it. T-shirts from a trip we took... there is a memory there. Will the memory fade if I don't save it, maybe,or will the item bring back the memory and be a story to tell my grandchildren one day, I can hope. I can hope to see granddaughters wearing the dresses and sweaters my Mom made for their Moms. The girls wore a sweater that was mine!
So did the loss of those clothes...the mush really take away all the memories, did it make the first year of Linneas life less important, less meaningful, less real, less hurtful, less mushy.....? No it didn't. It sucked having to drag those coffins out to the curb. I cried when I had to do it...being hormonally imbalanced at the time didn't help! But I still had Linnea, I had pictures, i just didn't have anything physical to share with her. Would she really care that I didn't have the outfit she wore in her first portrait, would this drive her straight to the psych ward in St.Peter. No she wouldn't care, now if it was today and the house burned down she would probably go crazy over loosing her platform boots and tripp pants! But in the end they are just things. Those coffins were full of just things, the clothes Ive handed down, sold, dropped at the thrift store they are just things. Not the memories, not the important stuff, not the story, not my children. They can not be replaced...this i know for a fact. Do I need to spend money on Space Bags and paper to put these things away? Yes, but why? Because I want to, I need to. I cant let go of everything, but then again it can still be lost........
BUT I CAN TRY!!! TRY TO HOLD ON, TRY TO SAVOR A MEMORY, TRY TO REMIND MYSELF, MY KIDS. Try to remember when things are going all wobbly and i just want to crawl in bed and wait for the crap to go away to get to a better day, try to savor a memory. Of a day when something was good, everyone was happy, not looking at everything that was wrong. I can try to just remember without needing something physical to show me the memory.
I'm going to hope that all my work and tears with this project don't get ruined. No storm comes through and rips them away. No mouse finds his way into what is supposed to be a indestructible bag. I'm putting some hope in those bags. I hope it doesn't get sucked into the vacuum. That thing really doesn't need the hope, I need it. I need something to grab onto.
Hope is a tough sell these days. Trying to find it sometimes feels like looking for the last chocolate bar hidden somewhere in the back of the cabinet (only to discover a little chocolate thief took it). But it is around, you cant give up on it. Or can i? I wont give up on hope, I've given up on other things, but not this one. I go to bed hoping the dish fairy came (hasn't happened but hey I'm HOPING)! I hope my hubs is happy i completed a long awaited, taking up space in the family room project. I hope the kids like dinner, I hope Linnea only has one cavity, I hope I can read a book today, I hope I can make it another day on this river and not fall into the water....... I hope, I hope, I hope.....I'm not giving up on it.
So I'm going to hope:
I don't ABANDON my children when they need me the most.
I don't NEGLECT everything around me and let it fall in disrepair.
I don't HURT so much everyday, not let it consume me, take me to the dark recesses.
I'm going to hope I didn't bore anyone who reads this too much!
Please don't give up on hope, don't put it out to the curb in a box of mush, don't bury it in the ground with something you had hoped for, keep it in you. Keep it with you.
