Another one bites the dust...

One of my favorite songs by Queen.  The bass line alone is a hint to what song is coming on.  Just like Hearts "Baracuda"  another all time awesome song.  I waas finally able to turn my ipod on today and listen to it.  This was the first song that came on.  Totally fitting for the day, week, month....
After feeling like my head was in a vise and someone was constantly tinging a triangel in my ears for the last week, my head finally feels like my own again.  The triangle stopped playing for a few hours and gave me some relief.  I went to the doctor on Monday when I was in pain and I felt like I was in a fog.  I was the lucky recipient of a sinus infection anddouble ear infection.  When I get sick I go all out and do it right.  I think its getting to be time to go take some more tylenol and ibuprofen because the ringing is starting again.  But so far today I have accomplished wonderful things.  2 loads of laundry, 6 drainers full of dishes, breakfast for 3, and for the afternoon 4 teddy bears to stuff, 12 jars of salsa to fill, 3 cookie jars to make, and lots of paperwork.  It is the annual Infants Remembered In Silence Pancake breakfast, silent auction, and bake sale.  So  I have been BUSY!! to say the least.  But I only was down for one day when i could not handle life this week.  Between my Mom and I we have cut, sewn and stuffed 18 bears as of this time.  They are named secret bears as they have no eyes to stare you down, no mouth to spill the beans, just 2 fluffy ears that will hold anything you tell them.  They are also squishy soft and cuddly.  We have estimated that in the past 5 years we have made at least 150 of them.  Typicaly they are for the silent auction and quite a wanted item, but i've also given them as gifts to a few lucky people.  Everyone needs something to tell their secrets to, to tell them about their pain, guilt, happiness, and sometimes to cry with.

Last years teddy bear collection.

Time to be done, my ears are ringing so badly right now, Ulrik is home sick and Annika is his enemy today.  Trying twos are almost done, what do they say about 3's?????

The faceless child...

A somber post...
Yesterday would have been Zachary's 12th birthday if he was here with us on earth.  Instead it was his 12th heaven birthday.  As the snow fell softly last night I thought of it being confetti raining down from the celebration they might have had.  Then of course my thoughts turn to the what ifs.  What if he was here? What would we have done to celebrate? What would he look like today?  What would he sound like?  Would he drive me bonkers like his siblings?  What would, what if, what, what, what....  These questions run through my head daily as the other kids are doing their daily things.  They are not as frequent as when Linnea was little and the mere question of something small that she had done would bring me to tears.  "Would Zach have liked to crawl around with a strainer on his head? Would Zach have sat and looked at that book?"  At the hospital later in the day after Zachary had been born, I turned on the TV.  It was nothing exciting, it was Looney Tunes cartoons.  I started to cry, realizing I would never get to watch these with Zach, never get to tell him how I used to watch them when I was younger.  It was cartoons, something lame and insignificant, but yet so significant in my future without my oldest child.  I did not know how I would manage after that first day.  But yet I have managed.  I have done it for 12 years, and one day.  Tomorrow with be 12 years and 2 days and so on.  Zachary is with me everyday, he handpicked the 3 children that follow me around everyday.  He picked Linnea to be gentle, caring, helpful, and sweet.  He picked Ulrik to be sensitive, caring, athletic and funny.  He picked Annika to be a cuddler, helpful, sweet and headstrong.  I feel he had a hand in the children that he wanted to be his siblings.  It used to FREAK!!! me out when Linnea was around 3 and 4 and she would tell me about playing in heaven with Zach.  I wouldn't always acknowledge this just because it was hard to comprehend.  She would play quietly in her room and I would hear her talking, she would tell me she was playing with Zach.  Ulrik never said anything like this to me, Annika is still too little, (but she has been having alot of tea parties lately). It just makes you take a step back and think.  I'm not a overly religious person, but I have to believe in a higher power because I have a little boy who lives in heaven with all the other special people i've lost.  I ask my Dad,Grandma, Monte and Sylvia to give my babies hugs and kisses every night because i can't physically do it. I send hugs and kisses on shooting stars hoping they will catch them.  Am I off my rocker, have I gone wobbly (english for Crazy new favorite word  around here).  No i have not because there are other parents just like me out there who do the same thing.
There is only one small picture of Zachary in our house. It sits on a shelf in my room with the other kids hospital pictures.  I had no pictures of  Zach until 6th birthday.  I received his pre autopsy photos the only pictures of him to prove he existed.  I photo shopped the best of the pictures to make it look less clinical more like he would have looked had we taken pictures at the hospital when he was dressed in his gown, cap and wrapped in his blanket.  I have other things around that represent my faceless child.  I have angels around me, figurines, pictures, stuffed bears.  I have his birth announcement as I walk into my bedroom.  I have cross stitches that my mother has done, all these things bring me comfort and remind me he is still a part of this family.  I don't have pictures that everyone can see, I don't have pictures everyone wants to see.  All I have is little things here and there to remind everyone there is one more kid in our lives.  Some people remember some have chosen to forget. I will never forget, I remember everyday at least once an hour.

What a crazy couple weeks!

Ok, so I created this blog to help keep family and friends in the loop since my time gets CRAZY and away from me somedays.  As you can see it has gotten the best of me again.  It has been a couple weeks since I've even touched the computer other then to clean off the desk. 
Well to start big news, Linnea turned 11 on the 25th.  We celebrated that day with a cake that i painstakingly decorated, and a couple presents.  She received a beautiful new sweater from Grandma and 2 new shirts from the rest of us.  I thought it looked pretty easy to decorate a cake.  I was wrong.  After 2 plus hours it was finished.  Towards the end I was cruising along, the learning the technique was the killer.  My hands hurt for hours, thank goodness for the nice warm dish water and the sink full of dishes to help ease my discomfort.  Yes, I was thankful to do dishes (never thought i would hear myself say that!)  I was thinking WOW maybe I could make a little business out of decorating cakes.  Well I'm not so sure I have the time to devote myself to mastering the techniques and resisting all the frosting.  Annika kept herself busy coming back for a squirt of frosting when she needed to check up on me.
On Saturday we convened on the bowling alley for a couple hours of fun, family, pizza and of course CAKE!  Linnea had her best friend Sydni join us along with her cousins Donna, Natalie, Matthew, and her siblings.  Grandma even came with to watch the balls being FLUNG down the lanes.  Annika and Aunt Tina had a blast bowling together.  Annika was sooo cute when she would cheer for herself even before the ball had made it halfway down the lane.  We had a good time trying to get her ball back down the lane after not enough OOMPF was used to get it to the pins.  A few strikes were had and a really good time was enjoyed.  Ulrik said he wasnt leaving without a strike and by some miracle he threw the ball just right and knocked 'em all down.  It was a miracle to say the least.  I'm not sure how many dents were left in the lane after the kids got done but I hope they don't use it for tournaments.  We enjoyed the arguments over who got the corner pieces of cake as everyone is a frosting fiend.  I guess I turned around to late to see the cake eating contest between Donna and Sydni.  I was informed of what had happened when I asked why they had frosting on their faces and cake up their nose.  Laughter was all i needed to hear to know what had happened. 
We are gearing up for the IRIS pancake breakfast, bake sale, and silent auction in 2 weeks.  I have been busy cutting out and stuffing teddy bears.  I am up to my armpits in bear carcases and fluff. The reward is the parents who end up bidding on an item just to get a special teddy bear for their child.  Linnea and Ulrik are gearing up for an afternoon of BINGO!  Last year Linnea won $50 and donated it back to IRIS through  the silent auction.  They are both hoping for a payout again this year.  They also are looking forward to some fun. Thomas will be Captain Pancake again this year as he manages the kitchen.  He is so good at his job they keep asking him back.  I'm not sure what role I will play this year as Annika is sooooo busy.  We will see what happens.
Today as the last week I am dealing with someone sick.  Today Annika and Ulrik have finally broke free of their fevers.  Linnea started hers last night.  I have been fighting one off since Saturday, but Moms don't have time to be sick.  Besides the hacking cough and the party favor sneezes Ulrik and Annika are headed back in the right direction.  Ulrik will definitely be able handle a day at school tomorrow. Linnea will probably hang out for the day again tomorrow.  I hope she is healthy by Thursday so she can go earn her "old folks" badge with the girl scouts as they go crafting with the elderly at the assisted living residence in Lonsdale.  Then Friday her troop is going to the Mall of America for a evening of fun.  Saturday we are supposed to go spend some time with Tina, Dirge (George), Bram and Caitlin and celebrate everyones birthday from January and February.  I hope everyone is healthy.  Saturday is also the first day to sell Girl Scout cookies.  It will be interesting this year because they are trying door to door sales with being able to get cookies on the spot.  I hope it goes well and they all reach their goals. 

Kids are fighting, my ears are ringing and I think my head could explode today.  I hope everyone has had a good couple weeks and is staying healthy.