Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Would somebody PLEASE turn down my GRIEF!?!?!?

Its almost that day again.  And today I can't concentrate. I have my textbook in front of me and I've looked at the same page for almost 30 minutes.
Tomorrow will be Zachary's birthday but February 5th is when the whole spiral started.  Waking up and laying on the couch willing movement from my womb.  Having to wake up Thomas and not completely freak out.  Sitting in the ER waiting for a Ultrasound.  Before the tech even put the warm goo on my belly I knew in my heart that my baby was not alive.  Within 2 minutes of her putting the wand to my stomach I knew the answer.  She quietly put away her weapon of truth and walked out of the room.  Yup, that was the end of one chapter and the beginning of another.
Chapter 1, Giving Birth
Chapter 2, Memorial Service
Chapter 3, I can't be Left Alone
Chapter 4, Time for Change
Chapter 5, Here is your sign
Chapter 6, Autopsy Results
Chapter 6,Ummmmm....yup another Baby on the way
Chapter 7, Keep Holding Your Breath you've still got 7 months to get through
Chapter 8, Yeah! Bed rest  (still holding my breath)
Chapter 9, Here you go Mom, I picked a Baby Sister
Chapter10, I can't do this you are everywhere
Chapter 11, Yes you can do this, I'll help
Chapter, Chapter, Chapter, Chapter........Chapter 41, hold your breath,   Chapter 71, I picked a Baby Brother, Chapter, Chapter, Chapter, Chapter 350, Oops, Not so much Chapter 527, Hey Mom, I picked another Baby Sister, Chapter, Chapter,Chapter.....................more chapters then I can count
15 years, thousands of chapters, 15 years on this river.  This last year has been such a roller coaster, and the last month I have been spinning on a tilt-a whirl and praying to find the strength to keep spinning.  My mind has turned mushy the last 2 days.  Is it the homework, or is it the grief, threatening to swallow me?  The tears don't come, is this good or bad?  My fuse is short, but its not lit. I don't think HELL has 15 minute parking anymore, but should I check?  (Well maybe I was there a little longer, like a few days, at least it was WARM!!!!!! )
Why is this consuming me this year? It's so loud, is there a waterfall up ahead?  Is it the new stress adding to it?  OR, do I just need a break from it all.  Not like give me a room at St.Peter, but a break?  But how do I take that break? How do I say no? How do I find my smooth ride?  I need to try to steer this boat back to some soft babbling brook, not this class Please Let Me Off This Ride rapids.  But how am I going to do that?  How can I quiet that waterfall up ahead? Or, do I need to go over the falls, am I reaching a point in my grief where I've been lingering to long?  Do I need to take the plunge and get to some different waters, another river, a lake, a stream, a brook......
Tomorrow morning, weather willing I will be up lighting a candle or 2 and maybe even send up a lantern.  Maybe an answer will find me.  Maybe Zach will send me a little sign.  But for today, I will continue with my mushy brain, the loud waterfall and see where tomorrow leads me.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Christmas letter meet 2014

                            New Year Greetings to y’all!


December came and went and the cards are still sitting on the buffet waiting for a letter! So in the effort to get things done, here we go….

2013 was not a stellar year in so many ways….

January brought a Breast Cancer diagnosis for my Mom (Carol) who shares our home.  Within days of her diagnosis she had a double mastectomy and started down a path that included 18 weeks of heavy dose chemo followed by 33 sessions of radiation.  We mastered walking on egg shells as Grandma was very sick.  Thankfully we made it through!!! In February she goes back to the oncologist for a 6 month checkup, so far so good.  She is also retired now so that has been a HUGE adjustment for all of us having her home 24/7.  We are very thankful for all the prayers and positive energy that was sent our way.

March brought Annika to Children’s Hospital for a few days as she had a Ureteral Reimplantation to correct her kidney reflux.  After 4+ years of daily antibiotics, it was decided it needed to be fixed surgically.  A lot of research, prayer and doctor input went into this decision.  Grandpa Dennis (Thomas’ dad) came and helped keep me company during surgery and helped keep an eye on Grandma and manage the big kids. It gave me some time to learn more about his Navy days which was very interesting.  After about 2 weeks our little rock star was back to bouncing around and we haven’t looked back.  No more daily meds J

April brought us back to Children’s Hospital, but this time for Linnea.  She had a very nasty fall in our bathroom that resulted in a seizure (our bathroom is VERY small and she hit the door, wall and floor at the same time) after multiple tests, visits with a neurologist, cardiologist and a neurosurgeon it was determined it was hopefully a onetime incident.  She will continue to be monitored for the next few years by the neurologist and with MRIs.  She has also suffered from recurring sinus infections and ear infections and now migraines are being added to the mix. 

June brought Thomas to the Gastroentoloigist for problematic acid reflux.  It was found he had quite a few ulcers.  He probably got a few more with me being his chauffeur home from his appointments after some happy juice was administered to check on things J thankfully after treating things with medicine he is ulcer free, a big relief and surprise considering the stress of the last year.

July, August, September, October, and November were major medical free except for routine doctor appointments and rechecks.  December brought Annika back to the surgical ward for another surgery.  She had her highly infected tonsils removed along with her adenoids and sinus surgery at the same time.  A week before surgery she had her first ear infection in 5 years.  We are hoping it was a fluke and we won’t need tubes at some point soon.

The year may have had its share of lows but we also had some big milestones and fun. 

Linnea officially became a teenager on January 25.  She is becoming quite a young woman.  She is into her music which focuses on hard rock, heavy metal, and a large emphasis on 80’s rock.  Who would have thought our cassettes would get a second life with our kid! She went to church camp in June and a week later took her first solo plane ride to Atlanta to spend time with Grandpa. She has been really great with the frequent doctoring and has managed to maintain her sense of humor (definitely my kidJ) she started playing drums in September and is quickly picking up her musical chops. She is blazing her own trail and of course testing the waters with mom and dad.

Ulrik has remained ever so great.  He has been gifted with some great friends who have let him escape from home and crash with them for a few days here and there.  He took Grandmas diagnosis pretty hard.  I’m so thankful for his wonderful teacher and his friends who helped him through.  He continues to be our “Danger Dude” jumping from great heights (scaring his Mom), blasting his enemies (GI Joe) and inventing new tricks.  He takes acoustic guitar lessons 1 night a week and often serenades our morning routine with his practicing.  He played “We wish you a Merry Christmas” at the holiday program in December, I was so proud of his efforts and as his Mom his perfect performance J He continues to be our tender heart and is slowly beginning to blaze his path in the world.

Annika…our little Annika. She has been a rock star with all the doctor appointments for herself and being brought along for Linnea and Grandma Appointments.  She has continued with preschool this year and will definitely be kindergarten ready come September.  She is looking forward to riding the big bus.  She is our budding artist.  She loves to paint the most, but crayons and markers are close behind.  She is always making things to give to others, so generousJ She likes to help with almost anything, dishes, vacuuming, laundry, but put an art project in front of her and she loses all sense of time. She likes to push the buttons of her siblings, Piper and Mom, but she can be a sweetheart more often than not.

Thomas went to Alaska in July to visit his brother Bracy and family.  It was a much needed break from storm season which started off early and with a lot of extra hours.  Also a welcome break from the craziness of the last 6 months.  He continues at Xcel Energy marking 14 years this past June.  He is planning a family camping trip this summer which could be very interesting, as the most we have done was some camping with the kids last summer, in the front and back yardsJ He continues to entertain the boys in the evenings, right now they are all building models. It will be fun to see how they each turn out.

As for me, the head honcho of this party, I thankfully was blessed with remaining sane through every curveball that was tossed our way last year. My mantra is tattooed on my left arm as a daily reminder: JUST BREATHE.   I continue to watch my sisters kids Matthew(9) and Piper(3 ½). My sister is divorcing and became a department manager at Menards at the same time; this has brought on a lot of extra time with the kids at our house.  It has made for some louder days and evenings with the 5 kids cooped up in the house, but we have a good routine now and everyone has gotten into the groove. We also have my nieces Donna(16) and Natalie(14) over quite a bit as everyone wants to spend time with Grandma, and each other.  I’m thankful the 7 hooligans get along (most days) so we can enjoy time together.  I have been the main, cheerleader, chaffier, doctor, nurse, cook, accountant, court jester, etc. for 14 years now.  On January 2, I started college.  I’m taking online courses which are nice because I can still manage the house and kids, but it has been a new challenge to my time management skillsJ  if everything goes right I should be done with school and looking for a job when Piper starts kindergarten. I’m going for an Associates degree as a Medical Administrative Assistant, with a goal of becoming a Care Coordinator at a hospital or clinic. 

We were able to find one weekend to make a family vacation happen.  Thomas cousin was married in September in Iowa, giving us a reason to get a hotel room for a few days and just relax.   It was so great to see family that we haven’t in a while as time escapes you sometimes as your family grows! We have blessed with some wonderful friends and family who have brought a meal, let us invade their space for a day(for a mental health breakJ) taken kids for a night or 2 to give them a break from the egg shells that seemed to replace the floors  for the last year.  The kids have been awesome through everything this last year.  We have found a way to practice our mantra “find one thing to be thankful for everyday”

We hope last year was good for you and everyone had a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.  While the last year brought challenges, in the end it is LIFE, you live it, you embrace it and deal with the curveballs you get thrown. 

Many Blessings for a wonderful year!
Libby, Thomas, Linnea, Ulrik, Annika and our little guardian Zachary J


Having a place to go - is a home.  Having someone to love - is a family.  Having both - is a blessing.  ~Donna Hedges