Annika has been trying to convince me she could wear her new winter boots to preschool. I convinced her to wear her sudo suede boots that served as winter boots last year because we had no snow!! Unfortunately we have had our last wearing on them as all the kids feet are deciding to grow within weeks of each other. Linnea is wearing a womans size 9 and Ulrik is a mens 7!! Right now my nearly 13 year old and 9 year old can wear the same size shoe!!!!! Crazy how school starts and then they grow. Thankfully I've learned over the years that its not worth buying clothes before school starts because they will start to grow on the second week.
We have been enjoying the fall weather with great fanfare. The kids get bundled up and head outdoors for a hour or so in the afternoon which helps me to get dinner ready and helps me even more to get some energy out. If life works out this trend will be continuing for awhile. Last night was pleasant for trick or treating. I handed out candy while Thomas and the kids were treating with some friends of ours. It was nice that the weather cooperated and everyone was done before we started to lose feeling in all fingers.
Thanksgiving is fast approaching, which means Christmas will be even faster approaching. Ive been very busy learning to crochet so I can give the kids the one of a kind presents that I enjoy making for them. Whether they are truly appreciated or not, to me its the thought that goes into them. Christmas isn't all about how many Lego sets or gift cards you can get and I feel its important to remind the kids of this OFTEN! Thanksgiving is bringing us together for the IRIS turkey trot. Ulrik is the most excited about doing his second 5k. I think he would enjoy doing one a month if possible.
The last year seems like a blur in so many ways. I guess that's what happens when you are flying by the seat of your pants most of the time. We have had birthdays, anniversaries, good days, bad days, special moments, vacation, the passing of the school year and the starting of another. It just seems obscene to consider it is the first of November already. I feel I still have so many things to do before I can recycle the calendar. Theres rooms to be painted, pictures to take and hang, more crafts to start and finish, more books to read, more things to show the kids................... but life is really a perpetual calendar. It just changes when another event pops up and you have to adjust to having a real teenager in the house or a official preschooler(who thinks she's a teenager), or you cross something else of the "honey do list". Its life and it doesn't stop even if you want it to, just to let you off and catch your breath. I am truly thankful for each and every moment of it and I don't always stop to look at it. Finding a moment to stop and look can be exhausting, just looking up and finding you are smack in the middle of "that moment" is the reward.
I had a moment of complete and utter silence a couple weeks ago, it was only me, the house and the dog. I can count on one hand how many times in the last 13 years I have had moments like these. It disturbed me. I felt out of my element. I love the hulabaloo of everyday life, I enjoy the sounds of the kids bickering, wrestling, giggling, spitting toothpaste in the sink, or sleeping. It was just me and me and my thoughts alone are consuming, I don't like it. But on the never ending river of grief I had a bit of a "aha" moment. How many times had I wondered if things had been different if Zachary had lived, how many times have I wished he were here? But I realized that he has lived, through me I have kept his name in our house, I have told his siblings about him, I have seen him in each and everyone of the kids. He is here with us, in spirit, in my thoughts daily, in my prayers at night. The world may not be able to physically see him or touch him, but for me (the wacko typing this) he is here. He helped pick out 3 of the craziest, wonderful kids. He has helped grab his brother by the scruff of his neck to keep him from breaking a limb in one of his "DangerDude" moments. He has held Annikas hand as she went though her first surgery and all of her nasty testing. He has helped Linnea to be inquisitive about life. And he has helped hold our hands when we need a little comforting.
Zachary is not a missing piece of our family but rather the glue that helps to keep it stuck together.
This is my birthday present to myself. I am the large dragonfly and there are four small ones. Each represent my children. Two blue ones for my boys, two pink ones for my girls.
MY CHILDREN AND ME ALWAYS.
