Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Would somebody PLEASE turn down my GRIEF!?!?!?

Its almost that day again.  And today I can't concentrate. I have my textbook in front of me and I've looked at the same page for almost 30 minutes.
Tomorrow will be Zachary's birthday but February 5th is when the whole spiral started.  Waking up and laying on the couch willing movement from my womb.  Having to wake up Thomas and not completely freak out.  Sitting in the ER waiting for a Ultrasound.  Before the tech even put the warm goo on my belly I knew in my heart that my baby was not alive.  Within 2 minutes of her putting the wand to my stomach I knew the answer.  She quietly put away her weapon of truth and walked out of the room.  Yup, that was the end of one chapter and the beginning of another.
Chapter 1, Giving Birth
Chapter 2, Memorial Service
Chapter 3, I can't be Left Alone
Chapter 4, Time for Change
Chapter 5, Here is your sign
Chapter 6, Autopsy Results
Chapter 6,Ummmmm....yup another Baby on the way
Chapter 7, Keep Holding Your Breath you've still got 7 months to get through
Chapter 8, Yeah! Bed rest  (still holding my breath)
Chapter 9, Here you go Mom, I picked a Baby Sister
Chapter10, I can't do this you are everywhere
Chapter 11, Yes you can do this, I'll help
Chapter, Chapter, Chapter, Chapter........Chapter 41, hold your breath,   Chapter 71, I picked a Baby Brother, Chapter, Chapter, Chapter, Chapter 350, Oops, Not so much Chapter 527, Hey Mom, I picked another Baby Sister, Chapter, Chapter,Chapter.....................more chapters then I can count
15 years, thousands of chapters, 15 years on this river.  This last year has been such a roller coaster, and the last month I have been spinning on a tilt-a whirl and praying to find the strength to keep spinning.  My mind has turned mushy the last 2 days.  Is it the homework, or is it the grief, threatening to swallow me?  The tears don't come, is this good or bad?  My fuse is short, but its not lit. I don't think HELL has 15 minute parking anymore, but should I check?  (Well maybe I was there a little longer, like a few days, at least it was WARM!!!!!! )
Why is this consuming me this year? It's so loud, is there a waterfall up ahead?  Is it the new stress adding to it?  OR, do I just need a break from it all.  Not like give me a room at St.Peter, but a break?  But how do I take that break? How do I say no? How do I find my smooth ride?  I need to try to steer this boat back to some soft babbling brook, not this class Please Let Me Off This Ride rapids.  But how am I going to do that?  How can I quiet that waterfall up ahead? Or, do I need to go over the falls, am I reaching a point in my grief where I've been lingering to long?  Do I need to take the plunge and get to some different waters, another river, a lake, a stream, a brook......
Tomorrow morning, weather willing I will be up lighting a candle or 2 and maybe even send up a lantern.  Maybe an answer will find me.  Maybe Zach will send me a little sign.  But for today, I will continue with my mushy brain, the loud waterfall and see where tomorrow leads me.

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