Yesterday would have been Zachary's 12th birthday if he was here with us on earth. Instead it was his 12th heaven birthday. As the snow fell softly last night I thought of it being confetti raining down from the celebration they might have had. Then of course my thoughts turn to the what ifs. What if he was here? What would we have done to celebrate? What would he look like today? What would he sound like? Would he drive me bonkers like his siblings? What would, what if, what, what, what.... These questions run through my head daily as the other kids are doing their daily things. They are not as frequent as when Linnea was little and the mere question of something small that she had done would bring me to tears. "Would Zach have liked to crawl around with a strainer on his head? Would Zach have sat and looked at that book?" At the hospital later in the day after Zachary had been born, I turned on the TV. It was nothing exciting, it was Looney Tunes cartoons. I started to cry, realizing I would never get to watch these with Zach, never get to tell him how I used to watch them when I was younger. It was cartoons, something lame and insignificant, but yet so significant in my future without my oldest child. I did not know how I would manage after that first day. But yet I have managed. I have done it for 12 years, and one day. Tomorrow with be 12 years and 2 days and so on. Zachary is with me everyday, he handpicked the 3 children that follow me around everyday. He picked Linnea to be gentle, caring, helpful, and sweet. He picked Ulrik to be sensitive, caring, athletic and funny. He picked Annika to be a cuddler, helpful, sweet and headstrong. I feel he had a hand in the children that he wanted to be his siblings. It used to FREAK!!! me out when Linnea was around 3 and 4 and she would tell me about playing in heaven with Zach. I wouldn't always acknowledge this just because it was hard to comprehend. She would play quietly in her room and I would hear her talking, she would tell me she was playing with Zach. Ulrik never said anything like this to me, Annika is still too little, (but she has been having alot of tea parties lately). It just makes you take a step back and think. I'm not a overly religious person, but I have to believe in a higher power because I have a little boy who lives in heaven with all the other special people i've lost. I ask my Dad,Grandma, Monte and Sylvia to give my babies hugs and kisses every night because i can't physically do it. I send hugs and kisses on shooting stars hoping they will catch them. Am I off my rocker, have I gone wobbly (english for Crazy new favorite word around here). No i have not because there are other parents just like me out there who do the same thing.
There is only one small picture of Zachary in our house. It sits on a shelf in my room with the other kids hospital pictures. I had no pictures of Zach until 6th birthday. I received his pre autopsy photos the only pictures of him to prove he existed. I photo shopped the best of the pictures to make it look less clinical more like he would have looked had we taken pictures at the hospital when he was dressed in his gown, cap and wrapped in his blanket. I have other things around that represent my faceless child. I have angels around me, figurines, pictures, stuffed bears. I have his birth announcement as I walk into my bedroom. I have cross stitches that my mother has done, all these things bring me comfort and remind me he is still a part of this family. I don't have pictures that everyone can see, I don't have pictures everyone wants to see. All I have is little things here and there to remind everyone there is one more kid in our lives. Some people remember some have chosen to forget. I will never forget, I remember everyday at least once an hour.
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